The Bangle Foundation

15 Coley Street

Acacia Ridge, Queensland

1800 Bangle (1800 226 453)

The red-hot flash of angry black eyes is unmistakeable. Mother in tangerine, to daughter-in-law in cadmium. Not even the sudden readjustment of the cadmium yellow sari, or from the headwear of the tangerine sari could cover it quickly enough. Stationed two paces behind, is the gleam of delight in the downcast eyes of the housemaid.

Only twenty minutes earlier I stood at the front door of a very fine house in a well-to-do area of Jaipur, in the Rajasthan province of northern India. The occasion, a family feast to celebrate Diwali festival. I was warmly welcomed inside by the young woman in an opulent cadmium sari, gold bangles jingled joyfully on both wrists. Her two young children ushered out of sight by the housemaid. She apologised her husband was absent, work held him over in London another month. It was just her, and her mother-in-law.

As dinner progressed, the young mother in cadmium withered before my eyes under reproachful glares, averted glances, ignored, and frozen out of conversation by the older woman glowing in tangerine. Whose armful of bangles, by the way, jangled loudly.

The eyes sadden in the face of the university educated and qualified doctor in cadmium yellow, forbidden now to practice. She relinquished her career the moment of her marriage, when moved from her family home into her husband’s. Her first duty now is to manage the home she lives in, under the watchful, and reproachful eyes of her husband’s mother. The woman in tangerine crows about her outside the home. Boastfully about her son and two grandchildren, how wonderfully his wife is fulfilling her promise. Behind closed doors another story is being lived.

Australian society understands domestic abuse as an act between a victim and her partner, known as intimate partner violence. The situation I witnessed is domestic abuse at the hands of the Mother-in-law, not snappy banter, playful fun, it is demeaning, deliberate, and on-going coercive control. And I knew just who I wanted to talk about it with.

Yasmin Khan, a tireless, unyielding community activist, who established The Bangle Foundation in Brisbane, Queensland in 2014.

The Bangle Foundation is a domestic abuse support service primarily for women of South Asian heritage. South Asians being the largest non-while population in Australia, refers specifically to people from Bangladesh, India, Sri Lanka, Pakistan, Nepal, Bhutan, and the Maldives.

‘What is not fully understood in Australia, domestic abuse is not the exclusive domain of the husband,’ said Ms Khan. ‘Service providers and the justice system are still coming to terms with the implications of abuse such as you saw.’

Cultural complexities explain; outside, society is ordered by men, inside the home is the mother’s domain ruled with an iron rod, where deprivation of privacy, access to children, and money combine to make life difficult for daughters-in-law.

‘The stories are harsh,’ explains Ms Khan. ‘We often hear of the mother-in-law as the instigator of abuse perpetrated by others.’

‘A woman in tears told us her mother-in-law kept saying to her son “you are not a man, you are not a man, you should slap her face, you should beat her, why is she talking too much,” after which he slapped her face.

‘The extent of the in-law abuse is quite varied, with physical abuse in some cases, and isolation, deprivation of freedom and food, strict rules in the household, a lack of privacy and being monitored constantly.

‘Some mothers gave their sons strict orders, including when to sleep with their wives.

‘Women have told of not being able to sit with her husband outside the bedroom, never eating together, never allowed to sit together on the couch, always keeping a respectful distance, and the mother-in-law would invariably come and sit between them, and have to ask permission to go out as a couple.

‘A mother-in-law wanted to know how much money they had, where they were going, what time they’d be returning. If they said 11, and came back at quarter past 11, she’d be standing outside waiting.’

My thoughts return to Jaipur and the gold bangles fallen silent on the wrists of the cadmium sari. The unbroken chatter of bangles ringing on the arms of the tangerine sari. While from the housemaid, the subservient rattle of acquiescence that subtly assures her position in the household remains secure.

Traditionally bangles, a symbol of a woman’s marital status, are believed to bring good fortune, and prosperity to the husband and the family. The sound of bangles is considered auspicious, believed to attract positive energy and ward off evil spirits. Except when evil shares the same table.

‘The influence of the mother-in-law on relationships never stops,’ Ms Khan said.

‘Accounts I have spoken of are not uncommon at The Bangle Foundation. The relentless pursuit often continues even after divorce, whether the woman lives in the same house or separately, or even overseas.

‘Recounted singly it seems innocuous, but imagine being under constant scrutiny. It’s like water torture, drip, drip, drip, stripping a woman of her self-confidence, her personal well-being, personality, intelligence, competence and capabilities, belittled publicly and privately.

‘I dread hearing another young woman is gone,’ said Ms Khan. ‘That help was far too late, too many steps behind to assist her safe passage out.

‘If significant change is to be made in turning the course of domestic violence, we all need to start earlier.’

I hope Yasmin’s clarity has raised your ire on the plight of many South Asian women.

The story doesn’t stop here. There are very practical ways to actively stem the flow of domestic violence in all shades of society. The ownership is singular. One first step is to knowledge up. Changing attitudes is the first step to behavioural change.

The Bangle Foundation is voluntary, relying on community support to provide culturally appropriate service for women within these communities.

Don’t look away. Don’t be silent. Lives depend on you.

Take all the time you need to visit, and re-visit: https://www.banglefoundation.com.au/